Oxford Years
by redfox1303
Summary: The years at Oxford University and Mulder's struggle to lead a normal life
1. Chapter 1

The Oxford Year and Mulder's struggle to lead a normal life

Disclaimer: I do not own the X files or any of the characters.

_I'm pissed off for feeling emotional; it happens so much nowadays I've grown to just expect it. It comes in waves; annoyance, paranoia, and then loneliness, each one as intense as its former. _

_I try to write and my mind goes blank. I try to draw and the lines on the paper look obstinate; my uncooperative f**king creativity. Even keeping myself occupied with distractions seems to fail me. Instead I sit and drink mug after mug of coffee, cursing myself in some twisted self-loathing. _

_Hiding away in my room can only keep me safe from the world for a short while. Pretty soon I have to face the music; lectures, work, bills, all the every-day adult responsibilities. I want to talk but I can't; I don't know what to say or who to say it to. I could stand in the middle of the high street and scream 'I'm drowning' and the crowds would simply walk on by. _

_I know what happened to my sister; I saw it unfold before me, her abduction. It's been eight years and in that time I've lived my life, I've carried on like everyone expected me to, finished school, went to college, and now I've ended up in University too. _

_That doesn't mean I don't remember. It haunts me every day. Everyone told me I was insane, my parents included. When I tried to explain to them; when I needed them so badly to believe me they looked away, and told me to grow up. My mother knew I wasn't lying, I saw it in her eyes; she knew I was telling the truth. My father wanted to bury it and keep it hidden. I was determined, but determination is not welcomed when a family wants to forget. _

_It seems trivial immersing myself in the 'University experience'. I watch all the students partying hard, getting paralytically drunk or high and then f**king one another. It seems a part of my life that I'm happy to skip. I forced myself out for freshmen week but forgot that I don't drink, which lead to things getting pretty messy pretty early on. I'm just not cut out to blend in with the dogmas. _

_I like it in Oxford. It's a new leaf for me, a chance to make a fresh start (or at least that's what I'd convinced myself when I got offered the scholarship). The truth is that I can never live a normal life, not now I know the things I know. There's something bigger than us, all of us, and I want to find it. I want to believe. _

Fox Mulder tore the page from his notebook and scrunched it up in his hand. He swore at himself for being such a miserable dick. There were more important things that needed doing. One thing he refused to do was give up. He'd trusted himself and his instinct his whole life; he was not about to give up now just because of some adolescent hormones telling him he was depressed.


	2. Chapter 2

Mulder threw on his jacket and scarf; England was bitter cold in November. He grabbed his canvas bag and began filling it with articles and books. He was usually pretty good at keeping on top of work-loads but he'd been slacking these last few days. He'd have to break that habit pretty damn quick, after all the mid-terms were coming up.

The air was thin outside; it looked like it had been sleeting not long ago. Mulder trudged along the courtyard towards his lecture hall. There were only about twelve students taking the Psychology degree and he was decidedly the brightest of the bunch. He was ahead of the game even after neglecting work. The subject interested him but he was by no means a teacher's pet; more, the annoying student that never seems to put in effort but nonetheless knew the answer to any question thrown at him.

"Fox!"

Mulder nearly had a heart attack. He's daydreaming had been rudely interrupted by one of his class mates thundering towards him. It was Jules, one of the students he knew fairly well.

"Hey buddy, did you do the reading for today?" Jules panted.

"Umm, no, I didn't quite get round to it. Did you?"

"Nope, I was up all night with a girl" Jules grinned, anticipating Mulder's response, "Jessica Lacy" he boasted proudly.

"Way to go, Jules" Mulder decided to feed his friends ego and gave him an approving high five.

Mulder had often thought of Jess. She was a nice girl, nice to him, which he appreciated. The other girls on campus wouldn't touch him with a barge pole, not 'Spooky Mulder'.

The lecture ran its course and Mulder found himself staring into space miles away and lost in thought. He'd not slept well recently; the nightmares had returned. The same ones he'd suffered with for eight years still haunted him to this day. He was glad he had his own room rather than a shared dorm. He'd have kept people awake as he screamed and writhed in his sleep, and even in the extreme case wake up crying or have pissed the bed. He hadn't done that in a long time but he still didn't trust himself. Sometimes when the nightmares got so intense he'd shake for days following.

His thoughts turned to Jess. She was sat in the desk two spaces in front of him. She did look pretty good. Dark hair, brown eyes, a nice body with petite features. Mulder had lost his virginity aged seventeen to a girl from college he was dating at the time. It was clumsy, awkward sex and neither of them enjoyed it; much like the story of most first times. Mulder liked this girl though, she was interesting in her own special way, smart but also empathic towards people, a quality Mulder held rather highly.

"…and that concludes today's seminar. I'd like everyone to book a personal tutorial with me or Mr Henry for your dissertations, please. See you all next week"

Everyone had already begun packing away five minutes before the end of class. There was a lot of hustle and bustle as students made their way out of the building. Mulder considered wandering into town to the library. At least if he shut himself away in there he might get some work done.

Mulder felt a tap on his shoulder. He spun around to see Jess waving a pen in his direction.

"You forgot this" she smiled handing him the expensive ink pen his aunt had given him. He thanked her and they both headed out across the lawn. Everyone was switching classes now and the grounds had gotten quite busy.

"Fox, are you free tomorrow?" Jessica asked before they departed their separate ways.

"I can be, what for?"

"I could really use a hand with some of the Erikson work, if you're around, I was wondering -"

"Sure" Mulder found himself agreeing before he'd even fully processed it.

"Great, thanks"

She turned and left towards her halls of residence.

…..

What are people thinking so far? I know it's a little slow, but things will pick up in the next couple of chapters. Any feedback/criticism would be much appreciated. Thanks


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